As I’ve worked with my couples clients over the years, one consistent thing I see impacting relationships and causing conflict is misaligned expectations. One person has an idea in their mind of how their partner ought to behave or act, and when the partner doesn’t act in a way that lines up with their expectation, it makes them frustrated. Sometimes couples don’t even communicate this frustration – they just let it build up until one little thing makes them explode and become very bitter and resentful. Talk about conflict!

A common example…chores.

The most common example of misaligned expectations that I see in my marriage counseling sessions involves how chores are done in a household. The husband might expect that his wife does all the dishes, and the wife might expect that the husband should take out the trash every time. These expectations developed over time based on what usually happens – the couple never actually had a conversation about delegation of household responsibilities.

Eventually, the husband won’t take out the trash for some reason, and that can subconsciously (or consciously) make the wife notice that he didn’t “do his job”! This compounds over time, and the “noticing” turns into being irritated.

If this goes on long enough without the couple talking about it, it can turn into full blown resentment – the wife thinks her husband isn’t doing what he is supposed to, he is being lazy, and he doesn’t care to help her. In reality, since there was never an actual conversation about the couples expectations on how chores should be done, the husband might not even be aware that he is expected to take the trash out 100% of the time.

Expectation-ception – expectations about expectations?

One huge problem I see is that a lot of people think they shouldn’t have any expectations for their spouse, this is just not true. Everyone has expectations. They may be small expectations, and in fact the smaller the expectation the more often they are unsaid or miscommunicated in the relationship.

Couples need to change their expectations about expectations. Everyone has them, the trick is to identify them, talk about them, and perhaps to change them.

4 Steps to Align Your Expectations

Tons of couples that I see are looking for a therapist who is proactive with them. So many therapists just let a couple talk but don’t give them things to try to do at home to actually get better. That isn’t me. My approach to therapy is that one hour every week or two isn’t enough to really help a couple see change in their relationship. Improving a marriage and fixing problems takes work outside of the counseling office. Here are four steps you can take with your partner to work on improving your relationship. I think EVERY couple should do this – even if you don’t think you have a problem with expectations. Remember, many expectations are small and subconscious. Also, both of you should do this exercise together for the best result.

Step 1: Reflect and Write

Reflect on what your expectations for your partner might be. Try to think about small things you expect them to do. You really do need to spend some time alone thinking hard about this and writing down what you think about, because expectations are often in the back of your mind, and are not something you are consciously aware of.

Here are some areas you should think about and write down:

• chores
• kids
• intimacy
• work
• hobbies or individual activities

Step 2: Communicate

The next step is to sit down with your partner and communicate the expectations that you have for each other. Take turns sharing your expectations back and forth one topic at a time and listen to each other, Once you’ve both spoken about your expectations on a topic, proceed to Step 3. Then circle back and talk about the expectations you have for each other on the next topic. The trick is to try and listen and not get defensive.

Step 3: Compromise if needed

Once you’ve each shared your expectations with each other, talk about them. Do some of them sound reasonable? Were there any that surprised you? Are there any that you aren’t too sure about and might need some tweaking? Talk about these things. Being willing to compromise and modify your expectations is important so they are more realistic for your relationship and your partner to actually be able to uphold.

Step 4: Write them down

Write them down so you don’t forget. People are forgetful, so writing down your new and modified expectations can help make it more permanent for your relationship. Remember, this isn’t a “set it once and forget it forever” kind of thing.

Expectations can change over time based on a busy season at work, sickness in the family, kids being on summer break, etc.

If your partner does something that is contrary to the expectations you have for them, remember to talk about it sooner rather than later. You want to resolve small challenges before they grow into big conflicts.

It is OK to need help.

These things can take time to work through and improve. If you need more help in this area, don’t shy away from seeking a professional marriage therapist to help you and your partner. I live and work in the Cincinnati, Ohio area – but find someone near you and try it out.